Episode two of our sacred and hallowed reality television show is underway, and we, like the fighters, are introduced to the maniacal accoutrements of the TUF House. Like last season, the TUF House is no longer a cramped adobe hut in the sultry Nevada desert sands. No, it’s a veritable mansion – albeit tricked out and bedecked like the lair of some wealthy supervillian with robotic henchman and a penchant for invention.
Green-Haired Gaudinot takes a running leap into the pool in the backyard, and is surprised when he’s greeted by actual Great White Sharks. The Swede is dismayed to find that there are two bedrooms – one with fifteen beds, the other with just one, and he’s relegated to the single-occupancy suite. John Dodson is chained to a barbecue and forced to cook an endless supply of meats. Dennis Bermudez cries out in anguish when he realizes too late that all the toilet paper in the house is single-ply. You get the idea.
Cut to the next day at the TUF Training Center, where coaches Michael “So unlikeable. So, so unlikeable” Bisping and Mayhem “His birth certificate reads ‘Jason’” Miller must endure a coin toss before picking their teams. Bisping wins the toss, so he opts to have first pick of the fighters. He chooses Green-Haired Gaudinot, TJ Hooker (yes, the 80s cop show starring William Shatner), Non-Fat Albert, Country Boy Ferguson, Diego Brandao, the Swede, Marcus Brimage and Standard Anonymous TUF Contestant #615. That leaves Mayhem with Dennis Bermudez Ain’t the Daddy, Johnny Grunge, Dustin Nice, John Dodson, Roland, Dustin Pague, Steven Siler and Brian Caraway Seed.
By now you’re probably wondering when some of the pranks start. Well, coach Mayhem wastes no time eliciting the yuks. That night he cruises on up to the TUF House in his white chariot and drops off a pair of spacesuits for his team to wear. “Lance Armstrong used these to get in shape and, uh, ride bikes better, so you guys should spend a lot of time lying around the house in them.” His guys swallow the nonsense hook, line and sinker, and soon Dustin Nice, Johnny Grunge and Roland are flat on their backs in the living room wearing spacesuits. As Mayhem drives away, you can hear his laughter.
Hey, it’s time to pick the first match-up, and as Bisping chose the first fighter, Mayhem puts together the fight. He chooses his boy Brian Caraway Seed to face Marcus Brimage.
What you need to know about Brian Caraway Seed: grappler, Sagittarius, like long walks on the beach and pina coladas, and gets so nervous about fighting that he tends to hide under tables. Marcus Brimage, meanwhile, talks in high soprano, is a heavy-hitting striker, shoots an arrow like Cupid and uses words that don’t mean nothing like “lupid”. (Plus ten points if you catch the Digital Underground reference; otherwise, you suck.)
Cue training montage. Coach Bisping once saw an old Sean Sherk promo video where Sherk was pushing around giant tires, so under the assumption that all small fighters must do that, he has his guys play with tires. Mayhem, on the other hand, thinks doing things like jiu-jitsu is worthwhile – although he mixes in wisecracks galore. Also, Dustin Nice, Johnny Grunge and Roland are still in their spacesuits, gasping away because no one thought to hook them up to oxygen tanks.
The clock strikes Prank Time again, so Mayhem and cohort roll all the tires (both regular-sized and giant-sized) into Bisping’s locker room. Oh, you crazy kids.
The weigh-ins! For the briefest of instances we’re lead to believe that Marcus Brimage might have trouble making weight, but after Bisping makes him bathe that’s the last we hear of it. Both fighters step on the scale and then there’s the pose-down. Team Unlikeable Brit starts singing a song, something about the Dorkness and how it is somehow dangerous. And they insult Brian Caraway Seed with words that must be bleeped out.
“Ooh, showtunes!” exclaims Mayhem, who dances and pirouettes in response.
And then it’s fight time, and Marcus Brimage – playing the role of the Dorkness – comes out swinging. Brian Caraway Seed responds by taking him down and getting on his back for about forever. He’s on Marcus Brimage’s back so much, you start to wonder if Marcus Brimage is wearing a saddle. He’s on there like it’s been ordered by the court. They’re like Siamese twins, connected by the figure-foured legs. And though Brian Caraway Seed can’t seem to find the choke, you just have to assume that his girlfriend will watch the episode and break up with him afterwards “because, you know, not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I’m not cool with that stuff.”
Marcus Brimage survives to Round 2, and in that second frame he manages to get a few good licks in on his exhausted opponent. But his alter ego the Dorkness takes over, and as the Dorkness cannot defend takedowns, Brian Caraway Seed gets him to the canvas. And this time he sinks the rear naked choke.
Back in the locker room Marcus Brimage is understandably emotional, and ever the empathetic coach, Bisping shuns him and implores his team to put their fallen comrade out of their minds. “He’s dead to us, now,” says Bisping.
In the locker room of Team Mayhem, Brian Caraway Seed is so happy he’s got tears in his eyes. Meanwhile, his coach is still dancing and pirouetting, humming the tune to the Dorkness’ song.