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The Ultimate Fighter 14 Recap: Episode 3 ‘Lame Insult Exchange’

Last week coach Mayhem “Not his actual first name” Miller broke the prank seal by filling Team Bisping’s locker room with an assortment of tires.  Do you think revenge has been first and foremost in the Brit’s mind for the last seven days?  Well, don’t be an idiot.  It may have been a week for us, but this show was prerecorded months ago, and it’s likely that only a day or two transpired.  Anyway, in the opening seconds of the episode we see the Mayhem Mobile screech into the parking lot of the TUF Training Center, and while the always-grinning coach is busy teaching his young wards how to fight with foam sticks, Michael Bisping deftly removes the tires from Mayhem’s steel steed and puts them in the Team Mayhem locker room. 

To his credit, Mayhem does not take it personal, and instead marvels at the ingenuity of the prank.  He even shakes Bisping’s hand and gives him kudos.  Lame insult exchange averted!

Back at the TUF House, the Swede does his best “Jackass” imitation by donning a cup and letting people nail him in the man-berries with a pool ball.  Okay, that’s kind of weird.  But he takes it a little further with an onslaught of pranks that include filling his housemates’ gear with seeds and , in the case of Dustin Nice, making reference to Nice’s third testicle (um…) with a pool ball and a note in his glove.  Can you smell what’s brewing here?

Moving right along, it’s time for the fight announcement.  As Team Mayhem’s Brian Caraway Seed made Marcus Brimage into his own personal Tauntaun, they have the pick, and Mayhem announces that his boy Johnny Grunge – who looks as if he has yet to shower since arriving in Las Vegas – will take on Country Boy Ferguson.  Having anticipated this match-up, Ferguson produces a piece of the paper with the words “F*** you Johnny Grunge” on it.  Cue lame insult exchange!

“You’re stupid,” says Grunge.

“No, you’re stupid,” shoots back Ferguson.

“You’re so stupid, you think two plus two is five,” says Grunge.

“No, you do,” says Ferguson.

“Shut up, I hate you,” says Grunge, and he turns and walks away.

“I hate you,” Ferguson mutters, and we’re left wondering… why?  Why show this exchange?  It was lame.

More pranks from the Swede, but this time it involves the old “bucket of water above the door” trick.  Someone inevitably gets splashed, and the anger builds, stewing inside Dustin Nice until it congeals into a porridge of rage and rice – with the latter being poured all over the Swede’s bed.

Despite his penchant for tomfoolery, the Swede doesn’t appreciate this, and confronts Dustin Nice in his bedroom.  Lame insult exchange time!

“You poured rice on my bed?” says the Swede.  “Bro, you ‘re stupid.”

“No, you’re stupid,” counters Nice.

“You’re so stupid, you make Forrest Gump look like Nom Chomsky,” says the Swede, which, now that I think about it is actually somewhat witty.

“No, uh, you do,” retorts Nice.

“No, you!” and the Swede storms off.

Again, why?  Why show this?  Have the SpikeTV producers checked out already?  Do they only care about Blue Mountain State?

Cut to some training montages.  Johnny Grunge is nursing a hurt paw, but he gamely trudges on.  Country Boy Ferguson, meanwhile, is ridiculously short for his weight class.  Like, Smurf-short.  Bisping attempts to coach him on how to overcome his shortness, but you have to wonder how many inches Dan Henderson removed from the Brit’s stature and if he’s really one to coach on such things anymore.

And then they’re fighting.  Round 1 sees Johnny Grunge simply out-tall his foe, tying him up in the clinch to deliver knees, and taking him down and pounding on him with his unfairly-long arms.  By round’s end they’re both a little winded and dinged up, although it’s Ferguson who sports the shiner.

Round 2 commences and it almost seems as if Ferguson is going to be able to keep it on the feet and counter-punch his opponent silly.  But no, he gets taken down and is laid on like a cheap mattress.  At one point he does manage to escape; however, an ill-advised flying knee attempt has him once more on his back, eating Grunge’s elbows.  Grunge takes the decision handily when time runs out.

It’s post-fight now, and with the dust of the bout settling, Bisping and Mayhem exchange a few words.  Uh-oh, is a lame insult exchange coming?  “You may have won two fights, but you’re still stupid,” says Bisping, angling for that lameness.

But Mayhem refuses to take the bait, and the man who did his best work on MTV’s “Bully Beatdown” insulting fools turns to Bisping’s despondent team.  “Guys, I am sorry.  But Bisping is failing you.”


The end.

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