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The Ultimate Fighter 14 Recap: Episode 5 – ‘Anger Management, How Does It Work?’

Fighting can be an endeavor full of hard emotions.  Being packed into a house with a bunch of dudes, cut off from the world and observed like lab rats, can only exacerbate ill will.  But come on, losing your sh*t over imagined slights, punching walls and shooting double-leg takedowns at fight announcements?  That’s Junie Browning territory right there.  And do you know where that infamous TUF competitor is right now?  On a barstool somewhere, eating burnt microwaved pizza and about 45 pounds past the cutoff for lightweight, wishing he hadn’t spent his fifteen minutes of SpikeTV fame acting like a total douche.  But I digress!

For some reason, Diego Marlon Brando is angry.  His teammate, Green-Haired Gaudinot, just suffered a tough loss at the hands of Team Mayhem resident holy man Reverend Dustin Pague.  So the diminutive Brazilian huffs, puffs, and focuses his boiling rage on Steven Siler.  Why?  Who knows.  But after Green-Haired Gaudinot and Reverend Pague’s bout, he follows Siler back to the locker rooms and promises all sorts of mean and hateful things involving farm animals and the kind of assault that puts you on the National Sex Offender Registry for life.  This confounds everyone, from coaches Mayhem “Seriously, that’s not his real name” Miller to Michael “Unlovable” Bisping to Siler.  Even Diego Marlon Brando himself is confounded, and the swirling tempest of anger prompts the little guy to punch the wall.  Because, you know, hitting walls did wonders for Mikey Burnett.

Back at the TUF House, and Mayhem rolls up bearing gifts – namely, a natty cowboy hat with a “B” emblazoned on it that he gives to Dustin Nice (which makes Country Boy Ferguson jealous or something).  Also, Mayhem learns the identity of the mole: John Dodson, his trusted aide-de-camp.  However, in lieu of taking it personal, or displaying the kind of the outburst that would make for standard reality TV (“What?!  I’m going to kill him!”), the Grinning One formulates a plan, one that entails acting like the next match-up will be Siler against Diego Marlon Brando, but instead announcing it as Dustin Nice and the Swede.

Nice wants to play along, and struggles to keep up the ruse, but when Country Boy Ferguson steals his precious “B” hat in the middle of the night, he assumes it was one of the Swede’s pranks.  He retaliates, throwing the Swede’s food in the trash and dumping his gear all over the locker room.

The Swede, of course, is angry.  More threats, this time involving prison love and the kind of marriage that only this year was legalized in New York State, and the foreigner keeps requesting that Nice “meet him in the garden so they can fight bareknuckle (Is that a thing in Sweden?  Is conflict resolution done in gardens?)  At the fight announcement Mayhem attempts to perpetuate the Siler/Brando ruse (which Team Bisping has fallen for hook, line and sinker), but Nice and the Swede are too worked up and too heated to do anything other than growl at each other.  So Mayhem announces them as the next match-up, and when the two TUF contestants pose, they butt heads.  Then Nice shoots for a takedown, and all hell breaks loose.

Cue dogpile!

There’s scuffling, rolling around on the mat and limbs flailing everywhere.  But at some point Bisping gets in the face of a Team Mayhem assistant coach, and Mayhem pushes him.  More bedlam!  In the end, Mayhem and company trudge back to the locker room, Mayhem promising to knock Bisping out when they meet in the cage and Bisping questioning the veracity of that statement with empirical evidence (“Statistically, you’re likely going to choke me out,” he says).

There’s a weigh-in, but save for Bisping arriving late with a sack of fast food in hand, it’s uneventful.  However, at one point Green-Haired Gaudinot moves the big “M” that marks Mayhem’s parking spot outside the TUF Training Center to the spot designated for handicapped parking, and Mayhem unwisely leaves his Mayhem Mobile there.  Foreshadowing!

And then they’re fighting.  From what we’ve seen of Nice and the Swede’s training segments, we’re led to believe that Nice is a wrestler and the Swede like to bang.  Well, half of that turns out to be true.  In Round 1 Nice inexplicably tries to land spinning back-kicks and play to his opponent’s strengths.  It does go to the ground, though, and when Nice slaps on a heelhook, it appears as if the Swede taps.  But the referee doesn’t acknowledge it, and soon they’re taking potshots at each other on the feet in Round 2 – a losing gambit for Nice, who gets dropped and pounded on.  He survives to the bell, and the majority decision goes to the Swede.

Not content with the victory, the Swede strides over to Nice’s corner and makes some sort of gesture as if he’s spraying a hose into a garden (really, what is that all about?).  The display raises the ire of Nevada State Athletic Commission grand poobah Keith Kizer, who steps into the cage and asks the Swede if he wants to get suspended.  The answer is no, and the Swede moves on with his life.

The ending sequence sees Bisping and team outside, savoring their first win while Mayhem’s trusted steed is towed away from the handicapped spot.  Mayhem witnesses his sweet ride being carted off, and in true TUF fashion, starts foaming at the mouth and goes berserk.

No he doesn’t.  He just grins and shakes his head – the last bastion of anger management left in the world.  Bless his heart.

The end.

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