Last week we saw the Swede tap out to a heelhook employed by Dustin Nice, but the hard-talking foreigner with a penchant for gardening went on to earn the majority decision anyway. Then he did a little gardening dance to celebrate his victory, which annoyed pretty much all of Team Mayhem, as it was not a very nice dance. All hell broke loose, and Mayhem “Born: Jason” Miller’s assistant coach Ryan Parsons exchanged words with coach Michael “Unlovable” Bisping.
Fast forward to this week, and Parsons still has some fire in his belly for the belligerent Brit. “Now I see why you’re the most hated person in the UFC,” says Parsons.
“I make more money than you,” replies Bisping.
“No one likes you, everyone hates you,” says Parsons.
“I drown puppies in my spare time,” replies Bisping.
“Dan Henderson totally knocked you out,” says Parson.
And Bisping spits on him.
Cut to the training montages of the next two fighters up to bat, which, as we learned last week, will be the unassuming Steven Tyler (yes, the lead singer of Aerosmith) and the angry little mush-mouth Diego Marlon Brando. Steven Tyler is purported to have cardio for days, and he seems to excel at holding big ropes and shaking them. The Brazilian, meanwhile, tends to go hard and violently at all times – that is, until he gasses out and is left huffing and puffing on his knees. Could this be foreshadowing? Heck, after all these seasons of drama, both real and fabricated, it could be anything.
As for some fleshing out of their personalities, we get Steven Tyler writing love letters to his girlfriend “Mary”, who is no doubt baking him an apple pie at this very minute back in Bumblef*ck, Iowa. Then there’s Diego Marlon Brando, who has his head shaved by the Swede and regales us with tales of selling drugs back in Brazil. But his dad died, and he was left to support his mom – which he did by wearing a red bellboy outfit and dancing for spare coins while a man played an accordion nearby.
And then it’s fight time, and the second the referee says “go” the Brazilian sprints across the cage and leaps into the air (much to coach Bisping’s chagrin), flailing wildly. Steven Tyler sidesteps, but the limbs are still flying, and not long after he eats a left right on the chin. He goes down and that’s all she wrote.
Afterwards, Bisping is in the Octagon, gloating at his team’s rare win. He sneers at his opposite number, waiting for Mayhem to crack wise, and when Mayhem says nothing, Bisping admonishes him, calling him – get this – “Mr. Wacky-Zany Character Guy.” Seriously, I could not make this stuff up.
A brief interlude with one of the remaining quarterfinalists who we’ve seen about ten seconds of thus far in the season, some kid named Roland. Roland hasn’t been picked to fight anyone yet, but his time is coming, and to add to the drama is his swollen foot, which coach Mayhem instantly thinks could be a staph infection. Mayhem and his lackey send Roland off to the emergency room.
As only about twenty-three minutes have transpired in the episode, there’s room for one more match-up. Bisping lines everyone up for the announcement. Unfortunately, before he names the two fighters, he decides to lay down some advice to everyone on the show.
“If you lose, lose like a man. Don’t make a scene or act like a jerk,” he says.
“If you’re angry in a fight,” says Bisping, “be sure to illegally knee your opponent when he’s down.”
Eyebrows are raised.
“If you spend an entire season of the Ultimate Fighter bragging about how badly you’re going to slaughter the opposing coach when you fight,” says Bisping, “be sure to get KO’d so bad the athletic commission needs a spatula to scrape you off the canvas.”
People start trading looks, with wonder and confusion in their eyes.
“And make sure you’re one of those TUF winners who will never, ever be worthy of a title shot.”
At that everyone just sort of stares off into space, perhaps sensing that “the crazy” has entered the building and it won’t go away until it feasts.
Oh, and Bisping picks his boy Non-Fat Albert to face John Dodson.
Training time again! Now we’re treated to Dodson working out, which involves a lot of Hong Kong action film wirework (see: “Crouching Tiger, Hidden TUF Fighter”) and grinning. Non-Fat Albert, on the other hand, trains with about as much inspiration as a cup of old Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. Can you guess how their fight will go?
Once they’re in the cage Dodson flits about, punching and kicking the taller fighter with the kind of speed that
instills resentment in hummingbirds (hummingbirds hate competition). Round 1 sees Dodson land strikes, avoid trouble on the ground, and make Non-Fat Albert look like he’s swimming in molasses. Exhaustion slows them down a bit in Round 2, but Dodson is still zooming in and out while Non-Fat Albert is breathing like an asthmatic. When time expires Dodson gets the easy unanimous decision.
Back in the locker rooms, and despite the loss, Bisping is standing in the doorway to Team Mayhem’s sanctuary, inquiring where Mayhem’s wiseass remarks are now.
Mayhem doesn’t turn around. Instead, he mouths silently to one of his assistant coaches, “Call 911. The crazy is here.”